Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 25th April 2008)

The main problem with teens in soap is that character continuity is often completely forsaken in favour of a story idea. Nice, smart kids will turn into horrible, unbearable idiots, completely out of nowhere, just for long enough to justify their participation in a storyline you wouldn't ordinarily buy them in. It can be easily rationalised by throwing out a generalisation about teenagers being volatile characters, but it's never something I accept very easily. I remember it happened semi-recently with Lucas in Home and Away, and it's definitely going on with Rachel at the moment in Neighbours.

Wah, wah, wah, wah...

I said last week that I've always liked Rachel, and I think there may have even been an ounce of understatement there. When she and Zeke first appeared in Ramsay Street, they were two of my absolute favourite characters. Their social inexperience gave them a detached, intellectual approach to life that made them a really interesting pair. At the moment, however, Rachel is nothing more than a paper-thin caricature of a whiny, lovestruck teenage girl. She keeps having these stupid conversations in which she becomes inexplicably convinced that the other person is suddenly okay with the idea of her being with Angus from now on. No, Rachel! Stop being an idiot. And then she cries and now she's run away... Honestly, did I miss a week somewhere in which the girl had a full-frontal lobotomy? I miss old Rachel, and as a consequence, this whole Rachel-Angus saga is tough to watch.

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Elle has taken on the mantle of Robinson Scumbag, happy to exploit the Rachel situation for her own journalistic gains. Neighbours showed it has a different take on rapists to Home and Away when Rebecca, Oliver and Declan practically celebrated Richard's death in an actually quite-touching moment. Janae acted like a complete idiot and told Ben and Mickey about the whole Darren kiss situation. What the hell is going on with her? Total shell of herself nowadays.

Things were a little more frantic in Home and Away this week...

° Sally and Cassie announced their plans to leave Summer Bay to go travelling, and all I can think is, "IS THIS IT?!!?!?!". This isn't Sally's exit story surely? I mean, I don't want her to die or anything, but this is so sudden and so vague; it doesn't seem worthy at all.

Well it's true that they love one another...apparently

° Tony and Rachel finally slept together and I was totally behind it until they completely ruined it by exchanging "I love you"s. Am I alone there? I'm honestly not sure I am, and I have to say I get a kick out of the idea that society - and therefore soap's representation of it - has moved to a point at which the romance of a sex scene within a committed relationship can be completely ruined by someone saying "I love you".

° The Bayside Diner just randomly started falling apart, so I can only assume a lush new set is on order. I hope it looks good, because I thought the current diner was fine, to be honest. The idea of a Drop-In Centre/Diner does seem slightly insane though. Does Leah not remember all the trouble that happened around the last one?

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: Still trying to evade suspicion in very suspicious ways, Sam paid someone to beat the hell out of her. Cassie had a brilliant freak-out when her head was cut open by the falling Diner debris. Geoff asked Britney - pretty, popular, bitchy airhead type - to go to Church with him as a first date. Hahahaha. Miles neutralised the Aden factor on his first day of teaching at Summer Bay High. Roman revealed to Martha that he has a teenage daughter, and it looked to me like she’s the blind Timmins girl from Neighbours. Expect an appearance.

Oh, and as a quick bonus, unrelated type thing....

The Hemsworths: Luke, Chris (Kim Hyde) and Liam (Wheelchair Josh)

For weeks my brother and I have been saying that Josh, Bridget's wheelchair-bound friend on Neighbours, is the spitting image of Kim Hyde from Home and Away. The physical resemblance was there a bit, we thought, but what stunned us were all the shared mannerisms. The voice was similar but the speech patterns were practically identical. It was uncanny, we thought. Apparently, though...not so much. While looking for pictures with which to enshrine them as the third in my Soap Doppelgangers series, I found that they're actually brothers in real life. Oops. For someone who writes about these shows every week you'd think I'd watch the credits occasionally. Silly me.

I blame my brother.

Hot molten-hot lava bombs, anyone?

Let's review a little bit of news, why don't we?

° After what seemed like an unusually long wait, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Virgin1) finally got the call for another season; a 13 episode order with a chance for 9 more if all goes well. I think that's a very fair decision. While personally I'm still not convinced the show has a great deal of depth to it - "like butter scraped over too much bread", as Bilbo Baggins might say - there's certainly still some mileage to be had out of it, and there's no reason to assume the show can't improve now some of the initial kinks have been ironed out. Let's just hope David from Beverly Hills 90210 gets ironed out soon too, because seriously...Brian Austen Green? No, no, no, no.

° When Dollhouse was first revealed as Joss Whedon's new project, I was surprisingly subdued about it all. A huge part of me was geeking out purely for the love of Joss, but everything else about the project sounded slightly unappealing. I'm not sure how I feel about Eliza Dushku when she's not Faith, I'm not a great fan of the former-Angel scribes Fain and Craft, and the premise in general seemed a little bit too stuff for my liking. Well, all has changed. The reasons...

Olivia Williams and Amy Acker join Joss Whedon's Dollhouse

The two final pieces to round off quite the motley crew, and I think they're both fantastic casting. Olivia Williams is tremendous and will bring a real mature presence to the show, and as for Amy Acker...well, what can I say? It's great that she'll be working on a show on which the showrunner is as besotted with her as we all are. As I write this, filming should have actually started...eek!

° Good old Beeb. Bowing to the pressure of quite frankly insane fan interest, the BBC have crowned Being Human the winner of their BBC Three pilot season and ordered a 6 episode season. That's good news. In fact, I think it's actually the first time I've ever been excited to see a British drama series come to fruition. I expect it'll be a new experience for many of us.

° Let's talk Lost. It was supposed to return to Sky One for the second half of Season 4 this Sunday (27th April) and now it's not. Instead the show will return on Sunday May 4th, meaning that we will be running a full ten days behind US pace. It's a move that will divide hardcore fans, but personally I'm with Sky 100%. In another piece of intelligent scheduling, Sky are merely trying to spare us the horror of yet another mid-season interruption, one that actually would have been due the week before the finale(!). Those things are a freakin' nightmare for everyone, and I for one applaud Sky for having the foresight to realise that.

Even with an asterisk...

(Click to enlarge image)

*vomits uncontrollably*

Because Britain doesn't haven't talent...

It occurs to me that despite having said I would write about it, I have completely neglected American Idol (Thursday/Friday, ITV2) since it hit the final twelve stage. Oops. I'll start again once we get to the final five, I think. Waiting to find out who they are hasn't been quite as exciting as it is on Battlestar Galactica, you see.

Quick general update? Cook's the best, Brooke's my favourite, Carly's no good, Syesha's annoying, Castro's just a college kid with a nice smile and David Archuleta reminds too much of Robin the Frog...



Yeah, I know I'm not crazy. You see it too.

Now just to wait for my admittedly inferior favourite to get eliminated...*sigh*

"We ain't gotta dream no more, man"

About twelve weeks ago, when the second season of The Wire finished airing as part of FX's marathon run of the HBO drama (Season 1-5, one episode a week, Mondays on FX), I hailed it as the best full season of television I have ever watched. As a montage wrapped up all the season's loose ends and set the ball rolling for Season 3, it really felt like something special. It created this vivid image in my mind of everyone who worked on it sitting back and watching that sequence with all the satisfaction of an engineer watching a newly designed machine kick faultlessly into motion for the first time. It was truly brilliant television.

Having just watched the finale of Season 3, I find myself unsurprised to report that it was even better. In fact, The Wire up to this point has been so good that I genuinely wonder if television drama can get any better. For all my prattling on about the evolution of television - as if it's constantly moving towards being something better, something more - it's very difficult to imagine ways in which The Wire could be improved upon. Could it really be that this show represents the peak of the medium's capability?

It's a question of taste, I suppose. One of The Wire's greatest achievements, in my opinion, would be the way it has evolved beyond standalone episodic narratives. But to suggest that television's episodic nature is a failing is not a charge that can be laid down so definitively. Many people see the episodic nature of television as a bonus; some would even write off The Wire completely due to its deviant nature. However, if we're looking at television as an art form, such opinions can be squarely brushed aside. Arguments about whether TV should be essentially episodic are not arguments about the merits of television; they are personal admissions of the way certain people prefer to watch television. A predilection for short stories over novels, for example, does not affect one's judgement on what constitutes good writing. To this end, form is flexible; it is the execution that is important. And The Wire's ability to disseminate such a consistent, dense and complex story so flawlessly over about twelve hours is truly remarkable.

Perhaps what makes it so remarkable is just how different it is to anything else on television. When defining "Quality TV", in fact, Robert Thompson's first criteria was as follows:

"Quality TV is best defined by what it is not. It is not "regular" TV ... In a medium long considered artless, the only artful TV is that which isn't like all the rest of it. Quality TV breaks rules. It may do this by taking a traditional genre and transforming it, as Hill Street Blues, St. Elsewhere, and Moonlighting did to the cop show, the doctor show, and the detective show, respectively. Or it may defy standard generic parameters and define new narrative territory heretofore unexplored by television" (Thompson, 1996; 13)

The Wire is all of those things. And, of course, when thinking about the way in which The Wire has eclipsed a show like Hill Street Blues - lauded by Thompson as the first quality television show - it's difficult not to wonder if I am being too generous with my praise, or perhaps even short-sighted. But one must also think about whether a time ultimately comes in the lifespan of any medium that a pinnacle is reached, an ideal template created. Now, having been bogged down in its role as a tool for commerce for so long, television is finally flourishing as an art form, and maybe that time has come.

What seems particularly special about The Wire is how little it feeds to its audience. The rewards are there in abundance, but nothing is so prosaic as to demand or manipulate a reaction from the viewer, something even some of the best TV shows find themselves guilty of on occasion. Instead, and for the first time in my experience, The Wire feels like a show that just is; a show with no other agenda but to be as good as it possibly can. Compare it to other shows and it is difficult not to notice the absence of so many regular little devices unique to TV and often born of its institutional limitations; either covering up faults or going out of its way to meet industrial standards (commercial concerns). Little things like the absence of a "Previously on..." recap or dramatic act breaks designed to make sure you don't change the channel during the commercial; lame duck cliff-hangers or plot twists to make sure you tune in next week. The Wire feels like it's above those things in a way no other TV ever has been. And with audiences becoming exponentially savvier to such TV practices, such pureness of intent feels likely to become more important across the board. The last thing audiences want is to feel patronised by their light entertainment, and The Wire steadfastly refuses to do that. All it seems to want is to tell its story.

It is perhaps in this context that The Wire best represents the peak of television's evolution. Whether you like it or not - maybe you hate cop shows or prefer fantasy to realism or something - it's a show that has unshackled itself from the chains of convention and excelled as a result. What more could you ask? Where else is there for television to go but wherever the hell it wants to?

You have to watch it.

If you're still not convinced or are looking for something more like an actual review and less like frenzied rambling, watch Charlie Brooker talk about it much more sensibly and just see if he can't convince you...



I'll second everything he said, but then I'll go back to frenzied rambling. Best show ever. Watch it. Watch it. Watch it. Beg, buy, borrow, steal, watch, watch, watch.

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 18th April 2008)

° In Home and Away, Sam actually murdered Johnny. Bloody hell! A large part of me still thinks this whole business about Sam having some dark secret is a massive stretch, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely suckered in by it anyway. It's great stuff - not least because Sam's days on the show are surely numbered now she has killed a man in cold blood. Summer Bay is pretty forgiving of rapists, sure, but murder? That's just not cool.

° Belle and Drew had one of the best arguments I've ever seen on Home and Away or Neighbours. It was great. In a brilliantly heated exchange they threw a laundry list of prior misdeeds at each other that only served to highlight how ridiculous their relationship was in the first place. Completely gripping, yet completely ludicrous. I loved it. For posterity:

"Ugh! You're a journalist! You disgust me!"
"At least I can hold down a job. You're a quitter."
"But at least I have ethics!"
"You slept with my mother!!"
"But you made out with your stalker."
"You ran him down with your car and left him for dead."
"Err...well...you're a slag!" *runs out of town*

Hahaha. Classic. I'll be disappointed if Drew returns now, because that's one hell of a note to go out on.

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: Bartlett became the new principal of Summer Bay High and gave Miles a job as his first order of business. Morag presumed Martha would sleep with Roman on their first date but surprisingly turned out to be wrong. Geoff developed an interest in girls. Rachel and Tony reaped the benefits of some naturalistic writing: who doesn't want them to succeed as a couple by this point?

° In Neighbours, Declan blew the whistle on Rachel's relationship with Angus after Didge was wrongly identified as the girl in question. It was awesome. I mean, I've always liked Rachel, but in this storyline she has been completely unbearable; illogical, irrational, selfish, whiny and utterly naive. Yet strangely, despite his initial protestations, the more Rachel acts like she is fourteen years old, the more Angus seems to be interested. Any empathy we may have had with the guy when this situation first started - back when he still believed Rachel was legal - has surely completely dissipated. What a dickhead.

° Libby finally kicked Darren to the curb after Janae revealed the truth about their kiss to the entire street. Happy days. After six weeks or so since her return, it finally feels like Libby is back for good, finally relieved of the hideous tumour that was Darren.

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Carmella and Marco are stuck in an interminably boring "will they, won't they?". Fitzy's moving into Number 30 to cement his regular status. Rosie's scared to death by the idea of motherhood. Ned is using his brain for once and realising that the Soap Relationship is a tumultuous thing.

"It's like watching a dog play the piano"

° It took me a while to finally stow away my Gossip Girl-related anger and give Josh Schwartz's second creation of the season a fair chance, but having finally watched the first two episodes of Chuck (Mondays, Virgin1) I must admit I'm fairly encouraged. The plot is ridiculous and there are moments of stupidity, but unlike Schwartz's other shows it seems to be completely lacking in pretension. While Gossip Girl dresses itself in designer clothes and claws to maintain its social status, Chuck sits in the corner goofing off, interested only in having the best time possible. It's far from perfect, but it's earnest, and in my books that instantly gives Chuck a one-up on Schwartz's other shows.

That's not to say everything is great, though. The way the camera tends to leer at Yvonne Strahovski in her underwear so often can feel slightly seedy, and perhaps even serves to exemplify Chuck's most obvious problem: for all it's good qualities, the show still manages to feel somewhat dated, as if it belongs in a line-up somewhere between MacGyver and The A-Team rather than on modern TV. In fact, what kind of evolution the show sees will be very interesting because it's not hard to imagine that NBC's enthusiasm for Chuck is entirely due to its old school nature. Right now it has that paint-by-numbers feel to it and that's something networks go ga-ga for. Exactly how tightly the reins are in place might be the defining factor in whether Chuck can maintain its good start, because I'm not convinced things won't get tired before long if change isn't encouraged. Hopefully NBC aren't afraid to let the show spread its wings a little.

° As baffled as I was that Saleisha could win Cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model, I know I will be more baffled when I see the girls who have somehow made it on to Britain's Next Top Model this Monday (9pm, Living). People who talk about Big Brother reflecting the sad state of our nation have obviously never watched BNTM.

° After all the fuss ITV caused this week I expect everyone's a bit weary of reading about Pushing Daisies (Saturdays, ITV) and I don't blame them, so I'll just say quickly that I really enjoyed the pilot. All the quirk you could dream of and an absolute abundance of loveliness, it was really great to see another side to Bryan Fuller's work. It shared all the same wonderful originality you'd expect but veered off in directions you wouldn't; out with the sarcasm and cynicism, in with open-hearted romanticism. It was a delight.

That ITV could be so inept having lauded this show for so long is absolutely staggering.

Set Your Sky+: Battlestar Galactica

Battlestar Galactica (Season 4)

Premiere
Tuesday 15th April at 9pm on Sky One

Repeated
Wednesday 16th April at 10:00pm on Sky Two
Friday 18th April at 11:35pm on Sky One

Thanks to The Wire having broadcast its final episodes in America just a short time ago, Battlestar Galactica is now officially - by which I mean "according to my infinite wisdom" - the greatest show on television. And it's a no contest, really, because nothing out there at the moment even comes close, but sadly its reign is still going to be a short one. BSG returns to Sky One this evening with what will be its final ever season.

And thanks to a spot of good judgement by Sky's schedulers, it actually starts with a feature-length episode. If you like television, you should be excited.

"I brings the ruckus to the ladies"

"Get in that ass, Larry!"

Larry David is one of my biggest heroes and I love Curb Your Enthusiasm with all my heart, I do, but I think it's fair to say that the sixth season - just finished airing on More4 this week - was probably the show's weakest so far.

It's a compliment to the show, really, because it was still hilarious and it still stands head and shoulders above the vast majority of other TV comedies, but in terms of its own canon there was something slightly different about it that turned me off a little bit. In some ways it actually reminded me a little of Seinfeld after Larry left; still great, but drifting slightly from what the show had been, growing a bit more outlandish and reaching a little further for material. Sometimes it worked beautifully and other times it felt a bit clunkier, but all the same it often lacked that definitive Curb... feeling.

'The Therapists' (s06e09) was perhaps the best example of this. It didn't feel like typical Curb... at all. It was meticulously structured as you'd expect and of course it was still riotously funny, but where did the story emanate from? The best Curb... stories almost always stem from some kind of argument about social interaction/behaviour, and this wasn't like that at all. Larry's therapist gave him obviously awful advice, he followed it, hijinks ensued. It was a much more typical sitcom story that didn't engage the audience in the same Socratic, "is Larry wrong? Is Larry right?" kind of way. Without that element I don't think Curb... will ever be at its best, and it's definitely something that featured less strongly this season.

That all said, for all Larry's neuroses about whether to continue the show past Season 5 or not, it's obvious he made the right decision. After all, while post-Larry Seinfeld featured most of the show's weakest episodes, it also played host to a few of its best, and the same could be true of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Why sacrifice great highs when the lows are still as hilarious as 'The Lefty Call' (s06e04)? Hopefully Larry feels the same way and we have a lot more Curb... to come.

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 11th April 2008)

Those were the days...

It's an unfortunate fact of soap-fan life that the shows you can't miss will occasionally devote large storylines to characters you cannot stand. For me, that was the case with Neighbours this week; Carmella's premature labour and subsequently sick baby absolutely dominating the show.

I don't know why I hate Carmella so much nowadays. I didn't used to. As recently as the whole Ringo debacle I though she was alright, and I definitely liked her when she was a nun, but recently she's just so overwrought all the time I can't bear her. Wah, wah, wah, I'm addicted to pills. Wah, wah, wah, it's tough to run a business while I'm pregnant. Wah, wah, wah, my prematurely born baby might die. I mean, c'mon... Man up, woman! I'm so tired of seeing her whining that even if it's justified I'm just not interested any more, so seeing her act irrationally like she did this week in pushing Marco away was just annoying. If it wasn't for Rosie and Frazer regularly sharing scenes with her I think I'd pass out as a result of my disinterest. So boring. Hopefully now the baby seems to be okay we'll see a bit less of her. Sadly, I highly doubt that will be the case.

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Janae got mad at Steve and Miranda for not wanting to risk their entire financial future on her tumultuous relationship. Irrational. Libby agreed to go back to Shep with Darren while Ned and Miranda contemplated telling her the truth about Darren's most recent act of douche-baggery. Riley confessed his feelings to Elle and got brutally rebuffed. Zeke struggled to believe that Karl loves him as much as he loves his biological children.

On the flip-side to Neighbours, though, it also happens in soaps on occasion that minor characters you love will rise to a new level of prominence, and that's certainly what seems to be happening in Home and Away at the moment...

Soap Doppelgangers #2: Christian Cage and Aden Jeffries

Aden Jeffries was practically unavoidable on Home and Away this week and it looks like he is officially well on his way to becoming a regular character. It's great news. Due to the slight passing resemblance and similar cocky heel personas, my brother and I have been calling Aden "Captain Charisma" since he first appeared in the Bay. From feuding with Ric, to taking advantage of Tam, to bullying Geoff; Aden has always been a complete dick - that's undeniable - but he has done so with such conviction, such flair, that I always find myself rooting for him, just as I do with charismatic heels in wrestling. To see his fine efforts rewarded with regular status is fantastic. This week he organised an impromptu memorial for Dan on the beach, pissed off Bartlett, got cleared of the police charges hanging over his head, extracted an apology from a squirming Irene, pissed off all his friends at school, won them back, made front-page news, drove a wedge between Belle and Drew, and essentially cost Sally her job. Now that's what I call an iMPACT!. Not bad for a newbie, eh?

The other important story, of course, is that the Johnny Cooper saga finally seems to be over (or at least the brunt of it is). The opportunity for mindless revenge on Ric was too much for Johnny to resist and he ended up getting a bat across the back of the head for his troubles. Too bad. It was actually a bit of a damp squib ending to such a long-running story, but I suppose his interactions with Sam will bear enough dramatic fruit to justify it in the end. I questioned it at first, I admit, but I was wrong: this actually has helped make Sam a lot more interesting. Who'd have thought it?

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: Jazz promised to ease up on her shameless pursuit of Tony (which is a shame because Jazz's shamelessness is her best quality). Sally restored Annie's "faith" by eliminating the need for it; confirming for her that an afterlife does (fact!) exist. Ric and Mattie got back together. Drew acted like a baby and got mad at Belle for doing her job.

'Citin! Nice to be on US Late Night Chat Shows!

Nice to see Russell Brand making his US chat show debut this week on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (weeknights, CNBC). He was a little more subdued than normal but still as dominantly charismatic and hilarious as always. I think Jay was a little overwhelmed. It'll be interesting to see how America takes to his dandy-ish ways should Forgetting Sarah Marshall open more doors for him.

He'll be on The Late Show with David Letterman to promote that movie too on April 23rd, although by the time it airs over here on Diva TV then global warming will probably have killed us all. You'd be better off trying to track it down on YouTube, which is exactly where I procured this video of Russell on Leno for your viewing pleasure should you have missed it on the entertainment wasteland that is CNBC. Enjoy. Hare Krishna!

Set Your Sky+: Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies

Premiere
Saturday at 9:00pm on ITV1

Repeated
Sunday 13th April at 4:30pm on ITV 1
Monday 14th April at 9:00pm on ITV 2
Saturday 19th April at 5:05pm on ITV 2

After what feels like an eternity, tomorrow night will finally see the long-awaited debut of Pushing Daisies on ITV1. Hoorah!

Saturday night does seem a slightly odd scheduling choice, if I'm being honest, but to their credit ITV have been raving about the show since they first bought it and have always held firm in the conviction that it would be shown during prime-time on ITV1. Having waited so long to air it, one can only imagine that a lot of time and planning has gone into the decision and that they now truly believe that Saturday night is the right place for it. Certainly having Britain's Got Talent as a lead-in should help somewhat; assuming enough people have it in them to stay tuned having just endured 75 minutes of Piers Morgan. Hopefully they do.

For now, just watch the preview above and remember that your other main option on Saturday night is Casualty. Is there really a decision to make?

"Africa is fucked!"

° Perhaps the thing I found most interesting about Louis Theroux's African Hunting Holiday (Sunday, BBC Two) was that his unwillingness to kill an animal actually disappointed me somewhat. From a personal and ethical standpoint I was with him completely, but as a television viewer I thought Louis' decision robbed the story of the pivotal moment it always seemed to promise. He himself described his choice as "a bit wet", and whether that's true or not you could certainly say it provided a damp spot to an otherwise very interesting perspective on game hunting and game farming in Africa. Probably his best work since 'The Most Hated Family In America'.



You can watch it on BBC iPlayer by clicking here or on the picture above.

° I think I'll wait until next week's third season finale has passed before I start completely gushing over The Wire (Mondays, FX), but for now I'll just say that if there were any justice in the world, Stringer Bell's "I ain't involved in that gangster bullshit no more" would be every bit as iconic as Jimmy Cagney's "Made it, ma! Top of the world!". Absolutely breathtaking.

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 4th April 2008)

Nothing personal: I'd rather help Libby than you, too.

Oh, Neighbours. Just when I compliment you for doing so well by keeping things simple, you have to go and ruin it by having a big disaster. You make me so sad sometimes...

In the obviously much-needed cautionary tale on the dangers of poorly-organised parties, the roof of the warehouse hosting this week's dance party collapsed, trapping basically the entire teenage population of Erinsborough and then eventually Karl and Libby too. It sounds exciting, I know, but whether it's because Neighbours hasn't done a story like this in a while or because juxtaposed with the simple drama of recent months a story like this just feels out of place, this week Neighbours was somewhat of a test of endurance.

Inside the wreckage, things weren't so bad. Declan and Didge talked things out, Riley and Elle got closer, Karl stirred up a hornet's nest of stepchild syndrome in Zeke, and Ringo listened to Jessica's obvious swan song speech. That much I could live with. What sucked was the awkwardness of what was happening outside. Watching Lou, Valda and Marco making sandwiches in a sequence shot as if it were the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan or the awkward clucking of panicked parents outside the accident site; the heavy-handed attempts to relay the great drama of the situation only compounded the fact that we knew nothing really bad was going to happen to anyone we cared about. And to spend so long - three whole episodes of search and rescue! - on something we knew wasn't going to go anywhere made it all feel a bit laborious.

Perhaps even more annoying, though, was seeing Angus relent to Rachel's pursuit of him. That didn't make any sense. He was being strong, doing the right thing and turning Rachel away despite her constant protests, and I was impressed; for once a soap character in a precarious situation was doing the sensible thing. Then, Rachel decides to go back to his house, say "actually, I'd rather we got together" - as if breaking up was her decision in the first place! - and Angus inexplicably relents, as if her insane logic carried any weight at all. It was crazy. And haven't we done the Rachel dates an older guy story already? There's no way anything in this story arc can be as entertaining as the day Stingray went into Rachel's room and realised he was dating a child when he saw all her stuffed toys. No way.

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: A distressed Janae kissed Darren, effectively putting a timer on Darren's seemingly repaired relationship with Libby (thanks, Janae!). Declan prodded the sleeping beast that is Paul Robinson's dark side and smiled as if anything but pain will come from it. Don't you know how crazy Neighbours gets when Paul is evil, Declan? Don't do it to us.

More rape? Really?

While Neighbours was doing something slightly different, though, Home and Away seemed all too happy to stick with what it knows best. Having been censured by Sam for leering at a sleeping Matilda, it appears that Johnny Cooper may have raped Sam. I almost can't believe it. I mean, what actually happened in that room was shrouded in ambiguity but there were certainly some allusions to rape and I think where Home and Away is concerned you almost have to assume that's what happened. The show is practically obsessed with the matter. It was a good scene, though, and it really put Johnny over as a great villain, even if his motive is completely ridiculous.

Almost everything else was focused on the death of Dan Baker. Personally the funniest thing about it for me is that Dan was deemed so unimportant his death didn't even warrant Home and Away's special sad opening titles that are hauled out for every tragedy. Hah. Even the creators know no-one cares about Dan.

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: Annie knowingly lied to the police and accused Aden of getting her drunk and trying to assault her. Tony and Rachel had an awesomely entertaining date; "So you don’t mind a mature drop, then?" was perhaps the best line ever. Jazz and Amanda both returned for Dan's memorial and instantly delivered the fireworks and cattiness we were all hoping for. Hooray! Also, Jazz wants Tony back and thinks blackmailing Sam is a good idea. I smell a tangled web...

Sweet and Sour

° Okay, I admit that my last post about Gossip Girl (Thursdays, ITV2) was a little vague. Hopefully I can clarify my problem with the show a little bit better now I've had a couple of days to calm down.

First of all, when I complain about the preview montage being "mid-episode" I simply mean that it was actually placed within the episode, suddenly and unexpectedly as part of the show, rather than as a part of the opening titles like on Battlestar Galactica, for example. And I hate it on BSG too, if I'm being honest, but at least I know when it's coming and I can close my eyes. Gossip Girl's attempt was far more interruptive.

And I probably am overreacting a little but it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't expect too much from teen drama and I'm usually quite forgiving of its flaws, but so far I've found Gossip Girl to be unbearably obnoxious. From the awful narration to the heavy-handed use of "look kids we're hip!" music to the fact that most of the characters are so horrible, it's just not very good.

Even worse than that though - because, trust me, I am not above watching bad television – is that all these things serve to highlight how contrived and calculated a show Gossip Girl is. Taking all the usual conventions of teen drama and amping them up to eleven the way it does just screams that this show was made purely to fill the void left by The O.C. and to capitalise on its vagrant audience. The preview montage, to me, is a blatant example of its desperation to do so and that blurring of the art/commerce line is horribly unappealing and difficult to forgive. It's the kind of thing that devalues television as an art form.

As for the rest of the show, there doesn't seem to be any unique emotion, wit or intelligence to it at all. Often it feels like I'm watching just to hear the characters tell me what designers are in or what songs I should download from iTunes this week. One review I read actually described it as "wealth porn", and while I wouldn't agree with that exactly, that it's only unique point is its backdrop in this horribly vacuous, unscrupulous world doesn't do it any favours at all.

Maybe it'll grow into itself in time, but personally I have my doubts. Like most the characters on the show, Gossip Girl seems to live by the code that being good and being popular are two mutually exclusive things, and that the latter is far more important.

° Having just remembered writing this, I feel I should say that I thought Floyd Mayweather's performance at Wrestlemania XXIV (Sky Box Office) was absolutely fantastic - far beyond my wildest expectations. What could have been a horrible mess of a match turned out to be a finely organised, perfectly executed wrestling spectacle of old. I honestly think WWE, Floyd and the Big Show should be really proud of themselves. Excellent.

° It was confirmed by NBC this week that ER's 15th season will officially be its last. To my mind, despite my love for the show, that's good news. It was also confirmed that Noah Wyle would be returning for a small run to reprise his role as Dr. John Carter. To my mind, because of my love for John Carter, that is the best news ever.

° I don't really like bringing non-television opinion to this blog too much, but how amazing are Radiohead live? Watching them on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross (Fridays, BBC1) this week I was just blown away (for the millionth time) at the purity and the magic of Thom Yorke's voice. They really are the kings of the live TV performance. From their faultless live performance to the aura of mystery and importance they carry, I find myself absolutely mesmerised every time I see them. You can watch their performance of 'Nude' here...



Or, for the sake of being all official-like, you could always watch it here via the lovely BBC iPlayer.

"You know you love me, XOXO"

I was wrong about Gossip Girl (Thursdays, ITV2). I thought it would prove an unbreakable addiction, but this week's episode ('The Wild Brunch', s01e02) was the bad trip to scare me straight. I don't think I can ever watch that show again.

After a recap of its previous ONE episode that lasted 2:15 and a preview montage MID-EPISODE I am officially cutting ties with the show. Cold turkey. I mean, in all honesty I know I probably take television a little too seriously, but I was actually offended by that monstrosity. It was awful. An affront to intelligent television. Hearing Kristin Bell spell out the meaning of every single thing that happens in the show is obnoxious enough, but trying to keep me watching by including a trailer for rest of the episode I'm already watching? That's downright insulting, if not embarrassingly desperate.

I can never watch it again.

And a part of me is sad because I'm a sucker for teen drama (even vacuous, awful teen drama), but this was just too bad. Another part of me wonders if it was predicated by some kind of special circumstance that makes the sin somehow less inexcusable, but I just can't think of one. How? Why?

Awful, awful, awful...

It's going to take some time before I can even look at it without getting angry.

Bye-bye, hot girls.

Bye-bye, Gossip Girl.

Sports/Entertainment

° The best live sports coverage on British television snuck back on to our screen this week with the return of Major League Baseball on five (Sundays and Wednesdays). It may not be the most serious or (dare I say it) professional production around, but I think everyone would agree it's the informality that provides the charm. Like Sky Sports' Soccer Saturday with Jeff Stelling and the boys but with actual live sport, Jonny Gould and Josh Chetwynd's lively balance of banter and analysis provides the perfect antidote to the tired eyes and minds that come with being a baseball fan in the UK. It's good to have them back. I doubt any football fans miss Richard Keys and Andy Gray in quite the same way we baseball fans miss Jonny and JC during the offseason. Welcome back, fellow baseball nuts!

° There was always a sense of the inevitable about it, but this week saw stand-out contestant Heather prematurely dumped out of America's Next Top Model Cycle 9 (Mondays, Living). Getting hopelessly lost in Shanghai in what may have been the worst performance in a Go-See challenge ever, Heather's inability to read a Chinese map proved to be her fatal flaw. It's a decision to make you wonder though: what were Tyra & co. hoping to achieve by putting her in the competition in the first place? Admittedly she flubbed her lines the week before as well, but eliminating her for failing on challenges in which she was so obviously and inevitably held back by her disability seems a strange message to send. She had the best photos by a mile, she was the most frequently complimented and she won several other challenges; eliminating her for failing where she did feels a little bit like ANTM is saying, "I'm sorry, Heather, you're just a little bit more disabled than we'd expected or hoped for. We thought at first you might have been just under the maximum disability quota we'd set, but unfortunately our judgement was wrong and you're just over it. Sorry!". Harsh.

The funny thing about it is that it's probably one of the very few times Tyra has ever made a bold decision that went against the happy-ending story arc they spend so long trying to engineer in the cutting room. And maybe it's right, maybe Heather isn't cut out to be America's Next Top Model. It's just a shame Tyra saved her bold move for a season in which all the other girls are even less inspiring.

° Wooooooooo!! Ric Flair's farewell address on WWE Raw (Monday, Sky Sports 3) was a wrestling moment not to be forgotten. One can only hope that such a fantastic send-off isn't cheapened in future. Knowing Ric Flair, though, it's hard to imagine he'll be able to stay away forever. Being a limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', son of a gun just isn't an easy way to live when you don't have a job. At the very least let's hope WWE can keep him out of the ring.

° BBC Three's pilot season concluded this week with Dis/Connected. Looking like a more slickly-produced and better-written version of West 10 LDN, its only real problem was that it felt more like a good single-play drama than the beginning of a series. Coupled with comparatively poor ratings it's hard to imagine Dis/Connected has much of chance despite its obvious qualities.

It's encouraging, though, to see a season of British drama pilots produce shows of such quality and potential. Only one or two have a real chance of being made but it's nice to see with our own eyes that there is talent out there.The outlook has been grim for a very long time so it's nice to have a bit of faith restored.

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 28th March 2008)

Whichever show you prefer, there can be no argument that Home and Away has always been slightly more ambitious than Neighbours. In terms of storylines, dialogue, characters or even deft little directorial touches, it has always been the risk-taker of the two, the Mel Gibson to Neighbours' Danny Glover. This week was a pretty good example of what that can mean, positive and negative...

Starting the week by devoting an entire episode to Sally's near-death experience, Home and Away pulled off one of those truly memorable soap moments. As with Alf Stewart's It's A Wonderful Life episode a few years ago, Sally was persuaded to stay alive for the benefit of mankind by a former Summer Bay resident (her long-dead foster father Tom), but this time with an added twist: something awful is going to happen to Leah, and someone else must die to take Sally's place and "restore the natural balance". It's all pretty standard stuff, really, but the fun thing is how brazenly Home and Away have decided to present the validity of Sally's vision this time. Whereas Alf's vision could conceivably have been a product of his imagination, it seems that Sally was actually at the gates of Heaven. She was given legitimate, verifiable information that she had no other way of knowing beforehand, and by the end of the week had all been confirmed; Sally finding out for certain that Cassie is pregnant and Leah suddenly receiving the news that Dan had died. It was all true. So what does this mean? The only two valid explanations I can come up with are that (a) Sally has developed psychic powers, or (b) Home and Away has confirmed that, in their soap universe at least, there is, indisputably, an afterlife. Wow. It's a bold move, isn't it? I mean, soaps are supposed to be centred in reality and Home and Away has decided to grant an answer to one of real life's greatest mysteries. I can't see Neighbours doing that. So what does it mean? Does it affect the way we as an audience should react to character deaths? Does it make it easier for us to know that Dan is now undoubtedly in a better place in a state of pure bliss? I guess I'm not sure. Maybe when a character I'm not completely indifferent to dies I'll find out. For now, I'll simply appreciate Home and Away's boldness.

Where boldness becomes less fun is when it involves insanely far-fetched stories, and seeing Sam roped into stashing Johnny Cooper at Tony's house just feels completely nuts. Creating an afterlife is one thing, but trying to make Sam seem interesting by giving her some big secret? I'm sorry, but that's just silly.

Meanwhile, although life in Erinsborough may seem embarrassingly tame when compared to life in Summer Bay, the results of Neighbours' back-to-basics promise have been surprisingly good so far. Aside from Rachel's little tryst with her teacher, almost everything in the show at the moment is grounded in the mundane realities of everyday life and it's getting away with it. Steve and Miranda fretting about a mortgage, Susan battling illness, Oliver worried about child access, the kids sneaking out to a party, Elle and Riley trying to impress at their new jobs; I'm quite frankly shocked at how enjoyable it's all been. I doubt it'll stay this way for long, but for now, score one for the "keep it simple, stupid" philosophy.

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: Annie downed half a bottle of whiskey and Aden got the blame. Stories like these - where we side with the outsider against the obnoxious, small-minded town folk - are always fun, a nice little inversion of the norm. Jack told Martha he couldn't be friends with her unless she's friends with Sam too. Cassie finally learned that being HIV Positive does not automatically mean you have three months left to live.

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Libby told Darren she was staying in Erinsborough with or without him. Steve, Miranda, Ned and Janae tried to find a way to buy the newly available No.26. Rachel unfairly harassed Angus. All the kids snuck out to an illegal dance party, a phrase that sounds completely stupid every time someone says it.