"Rex cries after he ejaculates"

° I mentioned it before in passing, but having now watched a few more episodes of Mad Men (Sundays, BBC Four), it really does feel like a great example of the evolution of television. We're four episodes in and it has shown almost no urgency in creating any real narrative drive for the show, either in terms of individual episodes or a long-term story arc. It just drifts along slowly, content to reveal its qualities at its own pace and completely unconcerned with audience expectation. Honestly it it's as confident a TV show as I've ever seen, and that's something that speaks well about how far TV has come. Undoubtedly Mad Men benefited from an unusual situation with its host channel, but even so, the freedom afforded to Matthew Weiner based on his work with The Sopranos should represent the start of a trend one can only imagine will continue.

Whether Mad Men's confidence is matched by it's quality I am not yet sure, but certainly it's good and it's definitely nice to watch a show that doesn't feel like it's constantly trying to win you over.

° The return of Desperate Housewives (Wednesday, Channel 4) wasn't something I was looking forward to and about twenty minutes into it I thought I was truly done with the show forever. "I don't care about these characters," I thought. "I don't even like them that much". But then it got to the scene in which Lynette finally revealed she had cancer and it was genuinely emotional. Were I not such a virile, tough, masculine specimen of a man, in fact, I might even suggest that it was almost enough to make me cry. More than that, though, as the group shared this tender moment and disingenuously promised not to keep any more secrets from each other, it felt like the show was back to its best; for a few moments, Desperate Housewives was once again an incisive comedic look beneath the veneer of suburban life, and not just a farcical soap opera. Do I think it will continue that way? Not a chance. Did it do enough to buy some more of my time? I think it did.

° Dirty Sexy Money (Tuesdays, E4 or Fridays, Channel 4) got off to a pretty good start. It's fairly frothy stuff considering the calibre of the cast we're watching, but the pilot was okay and the following episode raised the bar with a nice note of genuine emotion when dealing with Letitia Darling's affair with Dutch. Donald Sutherland almost made me want to cry actually (in the good way), and that's quite an achievement considering I now tend to watch him while carrying forth the spirit of Joss Whedon's anger. So yeah, overall I'd say it looks like being a fun, bearable alternative to Ugly Betty or something like that. Oh, and it has the most fun little musical cues this side of 30 Rock.

° And speaking of the beloved Whedon:



It's soooooo weird to hear that Katya from Neighbours (Dichen Lichman) has been cast in Dollhouse. It is going to be very strange watching her in a show I'm supposed to take seriously and that I'm almost predestined to like. She was always so wooden and annoying in Neighbours. Hopefully Charlotte from Home and Away doing such a stellar job in BSG: Razor is a good precedent.

Set Your Sky+: Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl

Thursday at 10:00pm on ITV2 (repeated Saturday 7:00pm on ITV2)

Bear with for a second. I just watched the first episode of Desperate Housewives' fourth season and, without wanting to spoil anything important, Bree Van De Kamp admitted to her husband that the reason she really wanted to raise her teenage daughter's baby was because she thought she had failed a mother in the past and was looking for a second chance. Preparing myself for the debut of Gossip Girl - ITV2's much-hyped new teen drama - I can't help but feel that Bree Van De Kamp and Josh Schwartz have something in common. After Schwartz's first hit show The O.C. was finally and rightfully cancelled in 2007, Gossip Girl feels like a second chance - a shot at redemption. Well, at least if you're a glass-half-full type anyway.

To be completely honest, I've already watched the pilot and I almost feel like it's my responsibility to speak frankly here: I can not recommend that you watch this show. I can lay out all the facts, I can do my best to help you make an informed decision, but I can not - and I will not - tell you to watch Gossip Girl. I can't live with that on my conscience. It has to be your decision.

Like The O.C. before it, Gossip Girl is pure televisual crack cocaine. It's not good for you and it won't enrich your life, but once you start with it you won't be able to stop. You'll eventually reach a point at which you realise watching it does more harm than good but you won't be able to stop. It'll be too late. While it exists, you will crave it. You will become a slave to its lurid charms until either you or it dies. There is no escape from shows like these. I watched The O.C. for four full seasons through gritted teeth, constantly angry at both the show for being terrible and myself for being unable to tear myself away from it. It's a horrible, unhealthy addiction, and a wise person has the sense to say "no" before it starts.

Sadly, I am not a wise person. It is too late for me. I watched Episode 1 and now I have to watch the rest. I'm truly and genuinely sad about it, but there you have it. This is the nature of addiction. You, however, you still have a chance to get out.

If you're wise, you will stay away. There's really nothing to be gained by watching it for you. If you're the kind of person who might be tempted to try crack addiction, however, why not just watch Gossip Girl instead? It'll fill that hole right up, it's marginally less bad for your health and the only person who will hate you for watching it will be yourself. Much better.

Set Your Sky+: Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives (Season 4)

Wednesday at 10:00pm on Channel 4 (repeated Sunday at 9:00pm on E4)

And if you want to catch E4's First Look at the next episode...

Sunday at 10:00pm on E4 (repeated on Channel 4's Wednesday airing)

Is Wisteria Lane still worth caring about? I have no idea. I found Season 3 to be excruciatingly boring for long stretches and I have a feeling it's because the show is simply played out. I'll stick with it a while longer to see if it can return to form, but I have my doubts. Watch with discriminating eyes.

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 20th March 2008)

I could blame the Easter weekend for the delay of this week's ASRU, but if I did I'd be lying. I admit it. The real reason I held off is because I wanted to write yesterday's piece about Matilda Hunter first. It's something I've been meaning to do for a while and this week I've rushed it out because, in a shortened soap week, I really want to use it as a reference point to explain exactly why I'm starting to like Annie Campbell so much...

When she first arrived in Summer Bay, Annie represented one of my favourite fictional archetypes. Like Tasha Andrews in Home and Away before her, or Rachel and Zeke Kinski in Neighbours - or Anya in Buffy and Spock in Star Trek if you want to cast the net a bit wider - she was a character to whom the workings of modern society seemed completely alien. She blundered around town naive to all the realities she had been sheltered from for so long under the strictly religious guidance of her grandfather. When she found out Lucas had slept with Belle her head nearly exploded. When she started her period she truly believed she was dying. She was totally hilarious.

But then recently things have gotten harder for her, and she has started to develop another character trait I adore. After Reverend Hall's surgery left him brain dead this week despite all her prayers, Annie decided enough was enough. She has watched both of her parents die, her grandfather die, her farm lost, her brother persistently bullied and her family minister suffering a brain tumour that first turned him into a woman-hating psycho and then left him lying brain dead in a hospital bed. On the back of all this, Annie has decided that God must not exist.

I'll admit, the spiritual crisis isn't usually my favourite story line in soap, but this time - and as with most of Matilda Hunter's problems - you can't help but feel that Annie's crisis is different. A devout Christian her whole life, Annie has lasted only a matter of months in the crazy world that is Summer Bay before losing faith in God completely. As with Matilda before her, the unrelenting tragedy and drama that comes with living in a soap have become too much for her to accept, completely dismantling the belief system she had held for her entire life prior to the day Sally Fletcher drew her out of her isolated little existence on the Campbell Farm.

Now, I find it hard to believe this storyline will go too much further - I can't believe Home and Away is going to have a main character happily denounce God - but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. The combination of the blank slate innocent and unconsciously self-reflexive soap character make for a very interesting character.

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: Ric took Cassie to a special HIV Clinic. Geoff knocked Aiden out before Sally seemed to knock some sense into him. Is a face turn for Aiden on the cards? Lucas Holden left Summer Bay to go to university. Sally got stabbed by a Cooper brother again (it was Miles' fault).

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Darren won some sympathy from Toadie and Steph by revealing that the shadow of Drew is a hard place to live in. Susan regained her sight and climbed a mountain. Karl tried to become a doctor again. And at the Oakey reunion, Miranda rode a mechanical bull, Kirsten kissed Ned and Janae flipped out.

Character Profile: Matilda Hunter

Then and Now: Indiana Evans as Matilda Hunter

When I tell people that my favourite character in soap is Matilda Hunter from Home and Away, I am almost universally greeted by a look of surprise. And understandably so too: she's whiny, she's petulant, she's flaky and she's not often involved in the best storylines. It's when you look at the reasons behind her behaviour, however, that I think you can see something unique in her, something that separates her from the other characters in her world...

If you've seen the movie Adaptation you'll know it's about real-life Oscar-winning screenwriter Charlie Kaufman. A neurotic mess, his inability to successfully adapt a particular story for screen sees him turn the story into something else; the story of his fretting and worrying about his inability to successfully adapt that story. It's an amazing movie and a masterpiece of self-reflexivity in film. Matilda Hunter always reminds me of it.

Matilda's life in Summer Bay hasn't been an easy one. She has been hospitalised on many occasions. She's been kidnapped. She found a dead body in the woods. All her siblings have left town. Both her parents have died. She watched her mother and stepfather divorce. Almost every guy she has ever liked has overlooked her in favour of, or betrayed her with, her friends, sisters or even other guys. And that's just some of the stuff that directly relates to her. What about all the things that happen to people she loves? Death, disease, rape, injury, brainwashing, betrayal, abuse -- I could go on, but you know as well as I do all the things that happen to people in soaps. What I find so interesting about Matilda is that she is one of the only characters I've ever seen who seems to have an innate sense that all the drama that comes with being in a soap world just isn't normal. Often depressed and overwhelmed by the constant woes that come with living in a place like Summer Bay - eventually needing to go to a retreat to remedy her seemingly reasonable reaction - Matilda seems to display an almost unconscious self-reflexivity within the soap world.

Most characters in the "Sunny soaps", of course, have a remarkable ability to shrug off terrible strife with ease. Maybe it's the constant exposure to the sun that gives its inhabitants such a thick hide, but whatever it is, it's what allows Summer Bay to be so forgiving of rapists like Kane and Jonah or woman-beaters like Macca. It's what allows them to move on from terrible traumas in the space of a week. In the soap world, the action moves forward so quickly that for most there is no time for real reflection, past is past and characters revert to their default setting between their own major individual storylines. Matilda, however, despite being created by and raised within this environment, does not seem to have developed this tough skin, this ability to be revert to her default happy-go-lucky self. In fact, if anything, one could argue that the state of paranoia, distrust and depression we often see are her default. She's not like everyone else in that sense.

In her relationship with Ric she was constantly jealous and paranoid despite Ric's early saint-like behaviour. Why? Because somehow Matilda seems to know that a teenage relationship in a soap is doomed to fail sooner or later; that somewhere around the corner, things were about to go wrong in a big way and she simply wanted to be prepared for it. As a soap viewer you want to scream at her for ruining things with Ric but at the same time you can't blame her because you know she's right. Matilda knows that happiness, or even normality, is not the status quo in her world, and that she'd be a fool to forget it.

Compare her to her best friend (and my least favourite character) Cassie Turner for a second and you'll see the difference. Cassie bounces from horrible relationship to horrible relationship with a smile on her face and a reckless naivety that leaves her devastated every time. "Sure, my last violent maniac boyfriend hurt me but my new violent maniac boyfriend never would!" she seems to exclaim every other week. Matilda would never do things like this. Matilda has an awareness slightly above her station and when things come crashing down on her it's generally due to an internal collapse, a result of her inherent fragility rather than active stupidity. (And obviously it's a lot easier to root for characters in soap when they're not too obviously complicit in their own inevitable downfalls.)

Admittedly there have been some changes visible in Matilda since she visited that retreat, and she does seem more mature, but even those changes seem to play into this reading of her character. One could fairly argue that she has now simply learned how to better cope with the pressures of living in a soap world rather than losing sight of the fact completely. Her recent decision to repeat Year 12, for example, stemmed from her desire to avoid an unnecessarily stressful period; an act of sensible thinking obviously not common among her peers, who often prefer to rush headlong into disaster.

So whether it's deliberate or not - and I'd almost guarantee that it's not - Matilda Hunter can be viewed as somewhat of an abstract character, an aberration, and as someone who watches soaps in an abstract way that's something I get a great kick out of.

Finally, I would be remiss to not mention Indiana Evans. For such a young actress she really does do a good job and continues to improve with each year. If not for her I doubt such a textured reading of her character would be possible.

I look forward to seeing what's next in store for Mattie and, more importantly, how she copes with it all. I fear that one day she'll wake up and be just like everyone else, aloof to the machinations of her strange world. Hopefully that won't be for some time.

"Stop calling me Trust-Fund Baby!"

° Entourage finally finished its bumper third season on ITV2 this week and was brilliant as always. I've praised 30 Rock and The Office here in the past, but while those shows can hit great heights, I'm not sure either is as wonderfully consistent as Entourage is. It's an interesting show, too, in the way it manages to create truly engaging drama within the seemingly ideal, unshakeable bubblegum existence of its main characters. Great stuff. And thankfully there'll be no wait for more either, as Season 4 picks up where S3 left off as part of ITV2's XXL Thursday. VICTORY!!!!

° Could Sky Sports have possibly advertised Grand Slam Sunday any more than they did? I doubt it somehow, although it may also be possible that as an Arsenal fan I'm just feeling bitter about how it it all worked out. Bloody Drogba.

° I'm still not exactly sure what to make of this week's fifth season premiere of Nip/Tuck (Tuesdays, FX). Always a relatively inconsistent show, a solidly lacklustre fourth season made the impending facelift seem like a good idea; one week in and I'm already a little worried. Borrowing the template of ironic self-parody from the classic Boy Meets World episode 'Eric Hollywood' (watch it if you never have), Christian and Sean's role as technical consultants on plastic surgery drama "Hearts 'N Scalpels" looks set to introduce an element of farce I'm just not sure Nip/Tuck needed. Already far-fetched at the best of times, I can't see the logic in the show magnifying its own flaws, and certainly not when the joke isn't that funny to begin with. Sadly I can't help but think of Ryan Murphy's teen comedy Popular, which - having blown the wad of its story by the end of Season 1 - also turned to insane farce to fill the gaps and ultimately saw show cancelled. One can only hope it's not a reflex and this doesn't mean Nip/Tuck is desperately reaching for ideas. I have heard some good things about Season 5 though, so fingers crossed the bruising will heal and Nip/Tuck will be back to its beautiful best soon enough.

° Loved seeing Scranton and Stamford merge this week in The Office, and it deserves a lot of credit for the way it was handled. Jim's seven episodes in Stamford really paved the way for an exciting transition. Who didn't geek out when Andy tried to one-up Dwight or when Pam picked up on the thing between Jim and Karen?

° My Name Is Earl was yanked at the last minute from its expected return slot last Thursday. Luckily it was just for a week and will be back this week instead. Unluckily in that time slot it'll be facing competition from the debut of Gossip Girl on ITV2, the return of Grey's Anatomy (S3) on five, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles on Virgin1 and ER on More4. It's hard to understand why Channel 4 continue to treat ...Earl with such contempt rather than putting it in a line-up that might attract a few viewers. So much for creating good karma. Earl's back at Thursday 10pm on Channel 4.

° Speaking of bizarre Channel 4 scheduling, any ideas why More4 decided to pull Curb Your Enthusiasm for two weeks with two episodes left in the season? Freakin' ridiculous. It'll be back on Monday March 31st with s06e09 and guest-star Steve Coogan.

Set Your Sky+: Dirty Sexy Money

Dirty Sexy Money

Friday at 10:00pm on Channel 4 (repeated Tuesday 11:05pm on Channel 4)

Also, in keeping Channel 4's policy for big US imports, you can stay ahead of the game by watching Episode 2 - and then subsequent episodes - four full days before they air on terrestrial. Gotta love E4's First Look...

Tuesday at 10:00pm on E4 (repeated Monday 31st March 12:00am on E4)

It's hard to know what to expect here. The previews don't do it too many favours, but it has been received fairly well by critics and it does have Peter Krause heading a very good cast (who doesn't want to see Nate Fisher back on TV?). Personally I'm quite excited about it. Hopefully I'm not setting myself up for a fall...

Set Your Sky+: Nip/Tuck

Nip/Tuck (Season 5)

Tuesday at 10:00pm on FX (repeated Thursday 11:00pm on FX)

Moving to a new city and a new channel, you can catch the return of Christian and Sean for the fifth season of Nip/Tuck exclusively on FX. Find out whether the change of scenery works or whether its just another botched Hollywood facelift.

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 14th March 2008)

A few things worth mentioning this week...

"Misty water-coloured memories...of the way we were"

° Libby's heartfelt request to Miranda that everyone have a beer in memory of Drew at the Oakey reunion just as Darren pulled up to beg forgiveness was a really nice, textured moment. After weeks of skirting the issue we found out absolutely everything we needed to in the space of a single beat: Drew was the shit, Darren is a shit and Libby has finally realised the difference. Storyline pretty much over. It was probably one of the most finely executed things Neighbours has done in ages.

° As I watched Cassie tearfully run out of the doctor's surgery having found out she's HIV Positive, I excitedly shouted at the screen, "go on, get hit by a car!" and then she actually did. It was amazing!

It's not too often one can claim such instant, hate-fuelled retribution in soaps, but it's bloody great when it does happen. I still remember my first time: my brothers and I really hated the character of Stephanie, Travis' daughter-of-sorts, on Home and Away and as she stood atop a rockface we spoke about how much we wished she'd just fall off that cliff and leave the show forever. Seconds later she fell off that cliff and died. We were sublimely happy and it changed the way we viewed soaps forever. Happy days...

*crash* ... *silence* ... *cheers*

Cassie did take the news as if she lived in 1975 though, and that's just plain annoying. I can't wait to see how she reacts when she finds out Henk has done a runner.

° Miles finally revealed his big secret to Sally: not only is he Milco, but he's her twin brother! Whoa! It was an interesting scene to behold. A part of me really bought into the emotion of it but the other part of me had to laugh at the way in which the story was disseminated. Miles would slowly reveal a chapter of his story, Sally would express disbelief and then Miles would explain to her - and more importantly, to us - exactly how this outlandish story is plausible. At times it felt like the writers were begging us to go along with it. Luckily I think most people will be happy to, because Milco has been great so far; much more likeable than other recent arrivals in Summer Bay (yeah, I'm looking at you, Roman).

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Miranda and Rebecca's idea to throw a blind woman with burned hands a surprise BBQ was dumb on an almost-Ned level. Ned was consistently dumb on a Ned level in all his interactions with Janae and Kirsten. Rachel inadvertently made out with her new teacher. Valda finally came clean about her financial problems (what a boring story that is).

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: Geoff and Roman saved Annie from a long drive off a short cliff and Geoff decided to give up football for religion. Rachel enjoyed her date with Tony more than she'd expected. Johnny Cooper escaped from prison declaring his intent for revenge on Sally. I have a bad feeling that long-lost brother Milco is about to become forever-lost brother Milco. Eek. Hopefully I'm just paranoid.

"Thank you for explaining it to me..."

° America's Next Top Model Cycle 9 (Mondays, Living) is all about Heather, isn't it? I know she probably won't win because she'll mess up on the Cover Girl commercial (if she gets that far) or she'll make a bad impression on the Go-Sees or something but c'mon...is there anyone else even slightly interesting? I admit I do like Jenah as well, but sometimes she reminds me of Princess from the Raggy Dolls and that's not a good look. Everyone else annoys me. Of course I still couldn't tear my eyes away if I wanted to.

° I haven't really changed my opinion of Reaper that much, but I will admit I'm enjoying it more. Recent episodes have been funnier, it's playing with the narrative structure a bit more and it feels like it's learning as it goes along.

° As much as I still enjoy ER (Thursdays, More4), I think I realised the other day that I'm starting to watch it like a soap, and that's not great news for a show I once considered to be the best on TV. To watch something like a soap means to watch without any real emotional investment in the characters because they've become too disposable, and thanks to ER's revolving door cast policy that's fast becoming the case. In fairness, a lot of this season's brightest moments have come from the new characters (love Zelinski, love Moretti, love Wexler) but all the stories left to sustain the central characters have been weak as hell. The priorities are skewed and it feels like it's because the writers are taking the easy road: client stories with the occasional sniff of serial drama when patently it should be the reverse. As a consequence all the longer story arcs have just felt scant and unsatisfying. Abby battling the bottle again, Pratt feeling unappreciated, Ray yawn yawn yawn, Sam offloading her son and...well, there's not much else, is there? It's still fun and I still care, but it never feels like there's anything really important going on any more. I'm just popping my head in on a place I used to know.

Oh, and also a big thank you also for the mildly offensive caricature of English people in the episode 'Coming Home' (s14e08). It's nice to finally know how an Asian person feels when they watch Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

° I've just started watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Thursdays, Virgin1) and, as expected, it's not generally offensive but it is kinda boring. I mean, this is going to sound unduly harsh, but sometimes watching it reminds me of Friday nights on Sky One in the mid-90's and shows like Renegade and Walker, Texas Ranger. There's just nothing in it to really get excited about.

"Safe, blood..."

(Click to watch on BBC iPlayer)

I can hardly believe it myself, but I have to give BBC Three props for the second time in the space of a month. Like Being Human before it, West 10 LDN - another one in BBC Three's series of new pilots - was far better than expected. Following the same kind of 'meant for kids but very adult' template as E4's Skins but throwing in an added aura of authenticity, Noel Clarke’s effort shows a lot of promise.

Based on a rough West London estate and featuring a vast array of characters, West 10 LDN might be the most realistic portrayal of young people in London ever seen on TV. Some people will argue that its focus is too narrow and its appeal too limited, but personally I'm not so sure. As alien as the dialect may be, after all, the behaviour is surely pretty universal; if not in the context of the dark world the characters inhabit, then certainly in the false bravado and afterthought aggression that's on display. The unfamiliarity of being called "blood" or being told, ""that's bare sick, brev!" is offset by the comfortable familiarity of being called a dickhead by your little sister or having your friends jokingly call you a pussy. It's believable, and that believability is alluring in a show about young people.

Another point in its favour is that it's actually very funny. Having read Neil Wilkes preview on Digital Spy's Tube Talk I was expecting something else. Neil said: "The whole hour is very grim: there are no happy moments, just unpleasant things happening to unpleasant people". I couldn't disagree more. True, it's set in a dark world, but apart from the obvious villains I thought everyone was very likeable. The best quality of show, in fact, was probably the way the characters' youthful enthusiasm buffers its dangerous surroundings.

It wasn’t faultless, of course. Occasionally you get the sense that some of the cast are as unfamiliar with the dialect as much of the audience will be, and you do wonder exactly what you’re supposed to root for in what seems like such a bleak environment, but neither feels particularly damaging or unfixable should the show get commissioned.

Perhaps the pilot’s greatest achievement, however, is that it really feels like there are stories to be told on this estate. Where Being Human left us on the precipice of an unappetising vampire uprising storyline after a very impressive start, West 10 LDN successfully created a world in which anything could happen – a much better place for a pilot to be. As much as I enjoyed Being Human, a small part of me is more intrigued by the idea of a full run for W10LDN because it feels more uniquely British and relevant; a better fit for BBC Three.

What will win the commissioning battle I don’t know, but at least it's nice to see the BBC have a few decent options open to them.

Watch it HERE or by clicking the picture above. The link will expire in 4 days.

Flight Test: Bionic Woman

"Reer!" "Catfight!"

Back when Michelle Ryan first joined Eastenders, I was still at college and my love for American TV felt like a relatively rarified thing. Before the impact of HBO and The Sopranos in particular, my schoolmates argued that American comedy didn't translate very well and that American drama was generally vacuous, overblown garbage, and all my attempts to convince them otherwise met with very little success. It was a very frustrating time. It is a great shame, therefore, that Michelle Ryan's appearance in NBC’s much-hyped Bionic Woman (Tuesdays, ITV2) might just give the dying argument fresh ammunition.

To be completely fair, there aren’t that many things to complain about. Michelle Ryan does a passable job as Jaime Sommers as her world is turned upside-down, Katee Sackhoff is fun as the murderous original “Bionic Woman” and the show looks really nice and sleek throughout. Unfortunately, good looks do not a good show make, and the Bionic Woman is showing all the signs of a classic bimbo.

Rushing through the story faster than Jaime Sommers can run, the script played like a bad action movie; all set pieces with no real effort at all put into bridging them together. Important things would happen and where you would expect some kind of emotional fall-out, there would be one line of dialogue to gloss over it and lead merrily into to the next big scene. I couldn’t believe my ears when Jaime’s fiancé broke the news that she’d lost her baby by essentially saying, "it’s all cool, you’re not damaged down there so we’ll go again". It was crazy. It was as if a 90-minute pilot got trimmed down to 45-minutes by cutting out all of the character work. And where the slightest touch of artistry – a telling conversation or subtle look – might have earned the show some emotional investment, there was nothing. It was everything my old schoolmates used to protest US drama was.

The question now is whether it will improve or not, and it’s hard to be optimistic. Already looking dead in the water in the US and unlikely to be given a reprieve, there’s no good reason to think there will be time for things to get better. In fact, having seen the original version of the pilot and liking it more than the final one, I might even suggest things are already heading in the wrong direction and will only get worse.

Unless you have absolutely nothing better to do on a Tuesday night it's probably not worth your time.

Set Your Sky+ : Bionic Woman

Is there such a thing as hope for a Slater sister?

Bionic Woman

Tuesday at 9:00pm on ITV2 (repeated Sunday at 10:00pm on ITV2)

And would it be patronising to point out the ITV2 +1? It's tucked away on channel 184 on the Sky EPG so it's easy to miss, but it's a good resource because ITV2 has a habit of scheduling competitively.

Come and see whether Eastenders' Zoe Slater (Michelle Ryan) can fit into a world inhabited by Battlestar Galactica's Kara Thrace (Katee Sackhoff) or whether she should go back to the market stall. I'll report back here tomorrow with my thoughts.

"1, 2, 3, 4...Meeeat Combo"

° I won't bother rhapsodising about it too much, but if you are a Buffy fan and you're not reading the Buffy: Season Eight comic, you are missing out. Yes, there have been a few jarring choices already (spoiler!), but on the whole it captures the feel of the TV show really well and it fills that Buffy-shaped hole we all have in our hearts like nothing else could. Read it! Read the Serenity ones too! Until Dollhouse comes along where the hell else are you going to get your Whedon fix?

° Now that the Final 12 have been announced I think I'll be talking about American Idol in more detail starting next week. All I'll say for this week is that David Cook was my favourite by a mile, I didn't rate Castro's 'Hallelujah' at all and I absolutely can not stand Amanda Overmyer. I have other things to talk about, though, so next week...

° I did think of writing a long - loooooooooooonnnng - piece on why 'The Constant' (s04e05) was such a great episode of Lost, but from all I've read on the internet this week it looks like it doesn't need much explaining. Everyone loved it, and rightfully so. What I will say quickly is that one reason I loved it so much that I haven't seen people going gooey over is the way it toyed with the structure of the show so seamlessly. When we saw Desmond wake up in what would usually be called the flashback section of the story it was a moment of great craft. In contrast to what I see as the rather awkward and often clumsy use of the flash-forwards, it was a moment that connected effortlessly and immediately with the audience while still managing to stay relevant to the current going-ons of the Island. Not relying on non-sequitur surprises like the flash-forwards of 'The Economist' (s04e03) and 'Eggtown' (s04e04), it was the first time this season we've seen both sections of the show pulling together to propel a single story and it made a huge difference to the quality. More episodes need to stick to this pattern.

° Ads are suddenly appearing everywhere for new shows. At last! Within the next few weeks we should finally have Dirty Sexy Money, Bionic Woman, Gossip Girl, Pushing Daisies, new Desperate Housewives and new Nip/Tuck, just to mention a few. You should always keep an eye on this page to make sure you don't miss anything that matters to you. If it's something I like then I'll remind you here, of course, but if Bones or Criminal Minds is your bag, then you're going to have to go it alone, bud. Sorry.

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 7th Mar 2008)

Soap Doppelgängers #1: Henk and Jens Lehmann

Ahh, how soaps bring out the best and worst in me...

This week saw two life-changing diagnoses in Soapland and I couldn't have felt more differently about them. Susan was finally diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis on Neighbours and it was all terribly sad. From Karl breaking down in the middle of the street to Susan freaking out during her MRI, I was gutted; taking solace only in the fact that Susan isn't dying. In Home and Away, however, Cassie and Henk's sudden sense of elation looks set to fall down around their ears after Henk was unexpectedly diagnosed as HIV Positive - and it's great! Now Cassie and her unborn baby probably have it too. Hahaha. Take that, Human Carrot!

And if you think I'm being a dick to wish HIV+ on a nice young lady and her unborn child I suppose I can understand why, but I would argue that you're missing out on one of the greatest pleasures being a soap fan has to offer. Soap is one of the only arenas in all of fiction in which the characters are so inherently temporary and unimportant that you are actually encouraged to treat them as pieces of fiction. If you don't like them, the horrible and brutal demise you wish for them is simply a part of the necessary creative process. So when I say, "I hate Cassie and I hope she contracts full-blown AIDS" I assure you it is perfectly acceptable.

Either that or I'm sociopath....

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Ringo's mother left her child to deal with his eating disorder because he signed a contract that started with the words, "I, Ringo Brown, being of sound mind...". What a genius this woman is. Mickey acted Ben off the screen as we discovered his parents are (a) a bitch and (b) a gormless moron (good luck to that kid). Rachel and Ringo broke up for good, Marco and Carmella got closer and Didge had her first kiss with the wheelchair-bound guy who acts exactly like Kim from Home and Away.

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: A nice little love triangle involving Rachel, Tony and Roman started to brew, and one can only hope that the hugely annoying Roman does not win. Sally was freakishly nice to the still-unidentified Milco, Ric and Matilda broke up "for good" and Reverend Hall looked ready to drive Annie off the edge of a cliff. He'd better not. Attacking Sam is easy enough to forgive, sure, but if anything happens to Annie I'll be pissed off. That kid is the closest thing we have to a Tasha at the moment and I want her to stick around.

"I'm giving up my life to be with you."

On the back of what I wrote the other week I'm not sure BBC Four is the best place for it, but Mad Men (Sundays, BBC4) got off to a pretty good start this week. Some occasionally starchy dialogue and one very arch performance aside, it certainly had enough about it to make you feel like you're watching something of a higher calibre. I mean, I don't expect it to be nearly as good, but I actually felt a little bit like I did after I saw the first episode of The Wire, like I was only being given a small fraction of the whole story. That's a good sign. Let's hear it for the evolution of television, kids!

Oh, and if your idiotic Sky+ box decides to record 7 MINUTES past the end of Supernatural on ITV2 thus ruining your carefully constructed recording (and blog-writing!) schedule, you can keep up with Mad Men on BBC iPlayer. It looks like it'll be worth it.

Failing Promotion

When Floyd Mayweather burst onto the wrestling scene during WWE's No Way Out PPV and broke The Big Show's nose, it was a great wrestling moment. Here was the world's best pound-for-pound fighter in a WWE ring, squaring up to a guy who genuinely looks as if he could snap Floyd in half using only his thumb and forefinger. It was great TV and it promised a great angle building into Wrestlemania. A few weeks later and things aren't looking so good...

A big part of what made this whole stunt seem like such a great idea was that Mayweather has always promoted his fights well. He's a naturally charismatic guy who has never been short for words on the subject of himself or his opponents; he's practically made for wrestling. Yet on every appearance on WWE Raw (Sky Sports) so far, Mayweather has struggled mightily, looking as if he has no concept of what he's supposed to be doing. It's almost as if Dr. Evil has stolen his mojo.

Sadly I can only believe that such awful performances stem from Mayweather's complete disinterest in the job at hand, something that doesn't bode well for whatever's going to happen at Wrestlemania. If he can't be bothered to learn what he needs to do in his promos, after all, what effort could be put into what he's supposed to do in the ring? Expectations there may have always been low, admittedly, but without getting the build-up right - the one part that promised some entertainment - it's hard to see anything but disappointment on the big night, both for WWE in terms of buys and for the fans in terms of entertainment.

Whatever Mayweather is actually making out of the $20 million WWE say they're paying him, he certainly isn't earning it so far.

Rebirth

As wholly supportive as I was of the writers during their strike, the CW's mass renewal of their major shows makes me hate them for not striking back when Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls were facing the chop. Oh, what could have been! Back in reality, though, this means more series for Supernatural, Smallville, One Tree Hill, Everybody Hates Chris, Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model. Let's see what we think about a few of them....

Supernatural (Sundays, ITV2 ) I'm glad for. I don't think it gets the credit it deserves. Always quite funny, occasionally quite scary and remarkably consistent for a genre show, I'm surprised it isn't more talked about. I mean, if you think back to Buffy and Angel - the last important shows that did this sort of thing - I think there's a fair argument in saying that Supernatural has maintained the quality of its episodic stories just as well as they ever did. It lacks the wealth of subtext and emotion that Buffy and Angel eventually learned to incorporate, but it's still very capable television. Honestly I can't see any reason why fans of early Buffy wouldn't want to watch Supernatural. I'm glad it'll be back for a fourth year.

Smallville (E4) is less exciting news. How this shows gets away with being so bad so often I have no idea. It's not good and I find it hard to believe that it will ever give me what I'm looking for, but I still watch it clinging to the tiniest hope that something cool will happen. Honestly, it's a lot like going to church long after you've lost your faith. It's a boring obligation and you wonder why other people are still supporting this whole establishment. Sigh. Could someone at least give it the wrap-it-up signal?

I don't know how to feel about America's Next Top Model (Mondays, Living). Having watched a total of FOURTEEN different ...Top Model series already, I feel slightly burned out. Maybe not burned out enough to stop watching, of course, but enough that the experience of watching the show has altered greatly. I now watch it with either the resentment of an angry sports fan ("oh, fuck off, Tyra! How could you possibly send her home instead of her!") or the know-it-all disdain that comes from having perused The Fashion Spot a couple of times ("what a farce! none of these girls could ever walk at Milan!").

It's hard for me to comment on the others. I don't have great faith in Gossip Girl (because I watched The O.C.) and I'm yet to see how One Tree Hill's time jump works out, but I do have hopes for both so I appreciate that even if they weren't amazing seasons they will be given the opportunity to find their feet. It seems that the one great consequence of the Writer's Strike has been that many shows are being a second chance where usually they might not. I hope some of them prove it's a good idea to allow some time to growth.

If you have any thoughts on any of these shows, let me know...

Aussie Soap Round-Up (w/e 29th Feb 2008)

I still hate Sam more than Reverend Hall

Silly me. It turns out that Home and Away's Misogynist Maniac Medic was actually a Misogynist Maniac Cleric, as the completely hateful Reverend Hall was revealed to be behind all the recent attacks. I don't know why I'm surprised. Aside from the fact that he's a complete bastard at the best of times, it actually makes a lot of sense that Summer Bay has a woman-hating psycho for a clergyman. He's probably the one responsible for the town's inexplicably forgiving attitude towards rapists over the years. I've always wondered about that. And now the Culprit from the Pulpit is in hospital having undergone a massive seizure while attempting to kill Rachel. I can't say I feel too much sympathy.

Elsewhere in Summer Bay: There was an unusual amount of activity. Jack made the mistake of his life by marrying Sam, Martha cried about it after being dumped by her rapist boyfriend, Cassie was overjoyed that her rapist boyfriend came back to town and Belle said "I love you" to her prospective rapist Dom. What a completely fucked-up town that is. I remember when the male characters’ favourite past time was surfing.

Luckily in Neighbours things were a lot lighter.


Libby is back to help me cope with Susan's illness
After nearly four years away from the show, Libby Kennedy returned to Ramsay Street to provide a massive bright side to Susan's terrible illness. Honestly, I'd be embarrassed at how much I geeked out for her return if I didn't know everyone else was reacting in the same way too. Some of the return scenes were a little awkward and I'm not certain Kym Valentine is that good an actress, but whatever. Libby is the best. And she seems to be pissed off at Darren for some reason, too, so that’s even better. I can live without seeing that greasy-haired goon any time soon. I still haven't forgiven him for taking Libby away in the first place.

Elsewhere in Erinsborough: Declan got embarrassed by Didge's disability on their first date, Elle and Riley saved some horses, Ringo confessed his eating disorder to Rachel and Janae got annoyed that Kristin was back in town. See? Much more like a normal soap. No rapists at all.

TV Miscellany

° David Archuleta is everyone's favourite American Idol contestant, right? How could he not be? As much as I hate supporting this year's Sweet Little Kid so vociferously, we're two weeks into the big shows and he's the only one who seems any good at all. How everyone else is so bad I have no idea. Did someone knock my American Idol rose-tinted glasses off or something? At least Jason Yeager went though. That guy had a Dementor-esque ability to suck the fun from the show. Even Ryan and Simon had nothing to say to him and it's their job. I feel slightly dead inside just writing about him.

° Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, they're free at last! For all my constant ragging on Prison Break this season, I'm glad to say that I did enjoy the season finale this week. Finally out of the creative shackling that was Sona, the show felt fun again, even if it was for just one episode. Michael was back to his old genius self - outsmarting and outmanoeuvring his opponents every step of the way - and it reminded me of what the show could be. Whether it can maintain that when it returns for its fourth season, though, I'm not so sure. The show just seems to be carrying too much dead weight. Prison Break wasn't a show designed with long-term narratives in mind and a lot of its characters feel tapped out. T-Bag, Sucre and Bellick may be likeable, but would anyone really mind if they stay in Sona forever? And Lincoln, even. Now he's a free man and has his son back, what's left for him to fight for? Surely the guy should just trudge off and make a life for himself somewhere (he won't, of course). Honestly the only thing I'd be genuinely excited to see is Michael hunting Gretchen in a 70's revenge flick kind of way, with Schofield's genius and reluctance to kill as the added twist. Sadly I'm not sure either Schofield or the show's creators have the ruthlessness needed to make any of those things a reality. Fingers crossed I'll be proven wrong.



° Mad Men starts tomorrow night on BBC4 (10pm) and I think there's fair reason to be excited. I do have some slight reservations, but its always my instinct to trust the writer ahead of anything else and Matthew Weiner wrote some really great episodes of The Sopranos. Plus, Firefly nerds! Christina Hendricks in a show that's supposed to be good! You don't have to watch reruns of Kevin Hill anymore! A reason to celebrate Mad Men in advance of seeing it if ever there was one. I'm looking forward to it.